After two years five months since last chemotherapy, I am finding myself at a loss.  Most would say you should be thankful that you are still alive.  I am! Someone else might say that after all you have been through, girl you are blessed.  I am!  Another might say, you look great having gone through what you have gone through.  I do! Then there is the one who will ask “Why are you disheartened.”  Oh this is the question I have been waiting for.  Let me explain why on this day October 13, 2016, I feel like this.

What you see is only things that the naked eye can see.  The surface.  Yes, the surface always look good.  Make-up just right, not overly done but just enough to give my face a illuminated effect.  Hair extremely versatile.  Pulled back in a bun on days when hands aren’t working very well (but you are still looking at the surface), rocking twist outs, full blown afro and even a straight look.  Clothes are nice and fitting.  Girl you look good. Girl you’ve gain weight I can see it in your face.  Well to be honest with you, I have gained quite a bit and I am happy about it.  All this is what the eye sees.

I am disheartened today due to the fact that (1) If I put on a dress shoe or any other shoe regardless to what it is, I can’t keep then on for long because neuropathy has reduced my feeling in my feet; (2) hands tingle do to the same thing; (3)  back will give out at any given time for no reason; (4)  body is sensitive to the touch.

See this is what people can’t see, but God does.  This is a conversation I have with Him everyday because you can’t see it.  If the truth be told, I can’t see it either, but I sure can feel it every moment of the day.  It is just that this one day, I am disheartened.  Other than this one thing, I am wonderfully and beautifully made by the one who created me.

So the next time you come across someone who is a cancer survivor or someone who is going through treatments, remember things aren’t always what they may appear to be.  In that case, say a prayer for them.  Because believe it or not they just may be disheartened.



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